Mexico Agrees to Pay for Trump’s Psychiatric Care
While some Mexican taxpayers argued that a full course of treatment could cost more than a border wall, the Mexican President warned against skimping on such a necessary expense.
April 5, 2018
Scott Walker Dismayed That Wisconsin Apparently Smarter Despite Cuts in Education
The governor said that his cuts were based on a theory known as “trickle-up stupidity,” in which students’ ignorance would eventually infect their voting-age parents.
April 4, 2018
Sinclair TV Anchor Suddenly Begins Reading News in Russian
“Maybe she’s taking Russian classes in her spare time, or something like that,” one viewer said. “Still, it made it really hard to understand the weather.”
April 2, 2018
Fired Trump Staffers Hold Reunion
The event, which drew a crowd of approximately sixty-five thousand people, had been organized by the recently axed Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.
April 2, 2018
N.R.A. Proposes Having Second Armed Teacher in Every Classroom to Stop First Armed Teacher from Misfiring
“The only thing that stops a bad teacher with a gun is a good teacher with a gun,” Wayne LaPierre said.
March 15, 2018
Vladimir Putin Concedes Defeat in Pennsylvania Special Election
“Our social-media trolls did some of their finest work to put Rick Saccone over the top, but we were a day late and a ruble short,” the Russian President said.
March 14, 2018
Rex Tillerson: I Hope Trump Finds Out He’s Impeached on Twitter
Tillerson started laughing in what some witnesses described as a demonic manner as he imagined it.
March 14, 2018
Nation Marvels at Trump’s Ability to Turn ExxonMobil Multimillionaire Into Sympathetic Figure
Americans expressed amazement that Rex Tillerson, who has an estimated net worth of three hundred million dollars, is now someone they find themselves pulling for.
March 13, 2018
House Republicans Say Japanese Did Not Meddle in Pearl Harbor
“After an exhaustive investigation, we have come to the conclusion that there was no attempt by the Imperial Japanese Navy Air Service to influence the outcome of Pearl Harbor,” a congressman said.
March 13, 2018
Betsy DeVos Calls “60 Minutes” a Waste of a Half Hour
“If I had to answer every question she had about schools, I would have had to bone up on education for a month.”
March 12, 2018
